10 Video Game Characters with Awesome Facial Hair
If there’s one thing that proves how manly a man a character in a video game really is, it’s his facial hair.
With the power to produce any type of muscular build, or writing prowess to create the ultimate ladies’ man, the true measure of a video game alpha male is the magnitude of his mustache and the breadth of his beard.
Keeping that in mind, we’ve carefully calculated all the facially coiffed leading men in video games using advanced scientific algorithms to present you with the ten best beards and ‘staches to grace our consoles.
Mario & Luigi
While at the onset it appears there’s nothing special about the simple mustaches Mario and Luigi both sport, it’s impressive that the brothers have been able to keep themselves so perfectly manicured across such a vast (and still growing) library of games. The stark black mustache the brothers both adorn has stood the test of time, and even across various interpretations, has managed to be a calling card for the dynamic duo of the Mushroom Kingdom. Besides, when the two hottest chicks in the world (Peach and Daisy) keep coming back for more, you know you’re doing something right.
This father/son combo is responsible for some of the most rugged looks in video games over the past decade. When Naked Snake is deep behind enemy lines, he’s not worried about keeping a close shave. Sure, he might run across a hot double agent or two, but how else are rogue CIA agents supposed to tell how manly Snake is without a little stubble? Fortunately for Solid Snake, he’s got the genes of his father, Naked Snake, to ensure his place in the pantheon of great video game facial hair. Unfortunately, those same genes will end up rapidly aging Snake until he dies well before his time. At least he’ll be going out with one of the most memorable sets of facial hair in history.
As a man of science, Gordon Freeman more than excels at his job. As a man ladies love, he’s not doing so bad either. Whether battling the Combine on the front lines, or sneaking through secure facilities with his lady-friend Alyx, Gordon Freeman always manages to have an excellently trimmed goatee. How he’s able to maintain such stoic and unwavering lines amidst a collapsing world and an alien invasion, we may never know. There has to be some physics equation “the Freeman” has deduced that gives him such power over his follicles. His goatee is so on-point, we’d almost trade places with him so we could experience it for just one day. That, and getting to see Alyx’s butt in person, would almost be worth living in a world overrun by the Combine.
This newcomer burst onto the scene in Borderlands 2, and while Salvador will likely be most remembered for his proficiency with firearms, we’re already clearing a place for him in the Video Game Facial Hair Hall of Fame. Not only does Salvador’s righteous beard invoke fond memories of Honest Abe, but it’s also the perfect compliment to his sharp mohawk. What’s more, this is a man who is constantly putting his life into danger by looting vaults for the next big treasure, yet he still finds the time to make sure his beard is always at optimal bad-assness. Sure, the guns help him look a bit more fearsome, but without that righteous beard, Salvador is just another dude with a machine gun.
When the only hair you have left on your head is on your face, the typical man is more than content to just grow a big beard. That’s not the case with Sonic the Hedgehog’s longtime adversary, Dr. Eggman. A mere beard wasn’t enough for this mad genius. No, instead, Eggman grew what could be construed as the wildest mustache in the history of video game mustaches. It’s big. It’s bushy. It’s wildly out of control at its outermost reaches. Like the villain himself, this is one mustache that just refuses to cater to normal standards. Hell, there are even animals in Eggman’s world that don’t have hair that bombastic, and we’re talking about a place with a spiked, blue-haired hedgehog running around.
In the history of the Call of Duty franchise, there are few characters that make as much of an impact as Captain John Price of the British SAS. Aside from being one of the central characters of Infinity Ward’s Modern Warfare trilogy, Captain Price is also owner of one of the best sets of facial hair in the history of war… games. His rock-and-roll refugee beard from Modern Warfare 2/3 had us slathering Rogaine on our faces in the hopes we might one day achieve such magnitude. But it was Price’s Lemmy-inspired horseshoe mustace-to-sideburns combo from the first Modern Warfare that left us standing in a puddle of ineptitude. Never would we be able to rock such fearsome facial hair, and that’s why Captain Price is on this list instead of us. That, and we’re actually real.
Captain Le Chuck
Is there anything more boss than a skeleton with a burly beard that looks like it could swallow you whole? Throughout the Monkey Island series, the phantom pirate Le Chuck has kept his mass of manliness rockin’ like Dokken. In fact, we’re pretty sure a case of beard-envy is what keeps Guybush Threepwood coming back to combat the spectral seaman. Then again, who can blame him? We’d be pretty envious of a guy whose beard looks like it was born from the nightmares of HP Lovecraft, too. Say what you will about the Caribbean curmudgeon, but even Davy Jones wishes he had the awe-inspiring power of that beard.
Mega Man gets all the credit, Dr. Wily gets all the crazy, but Dr. Light has to be getting all the ladies with that Charmin-soft beard. Dr. Light’s facial hair may not be demented, and it may not be well suited for pie-eating contests, but there’s an undeniable skill in growing a beard that big and fluffy over the course a lifetime. There’s a certain homeliness to Dr. Light’s beard as well, which may contribute to our innate fascination with him. It certainly doesn’t hurt that his slightly robust frame, bulbous nose, and jolly nature remind us of one of the most famous bearded men in all of history. When all is said and done, if we’re able to have such a stellar beard by the time we’re in our sixties, it will have been one heck of an accomplishment.
It takes a lot of chutzpah for a man to wear nothing but a pair of red skivvies and boots, and not much else. Of course, when that man is Zangief, hardest of the hardcore, baddest of the bad, he can do whatever he wants. Particularly when brandishing one particularly phenomenal beard. It’s sharply honed, as is Zangief’s body after years of wrestling only the finest combatants. It’s thick, like Zangief’s similarly solid build. It’s iconic, and indisputably unique. No one else could quite get away with such a great beard, and if they dared try, Zangief would pile-drive them into oblivion, never to be seen again.
King of All Cosmos
The King of All Cosmos isn’t just the ruler of the friendly skies above, but he’s also the owner of the greatest facial hair since Prince. As amazing as all the rest of the contenders on this list were, none of them could hope to approach the quality of the King’s coiffed cleft chin. Not only does the King of All Cosmos sport some stellar mutton chops, but his pencil-thin mustache only serves to accentuate the brilliance of the King’s visage. Men dream of being able to reach the stars, but not to get a glimpse of what lies beyond, but to get tips from the King on how to look as boss as he does. It’s good to be King… especially when you’re the owner of the best facial hair in video games.