‘Cut to the Chase’ Reviews of Terrible Movies [SPOILERS]
How often have you walked out of the movies and thought “What did I just watch?” Let’s break bad and spoil five flicks that don’t deserve being reviewed.
Seriously, these movies don’t deserve the time it would take to type out a clear and concise review, so this is your only spoiler alert.
Need For Speed
I had pretty high hopes for Need for Speed. I played the game in the 90’s, and the credits are filled with a lot of underrated talent… but that talent does nothing with a crap script.
Honestly, it’s a movie about racing fancy cars, but there is a combined handful of minutes of racing. The rest of the movie was poor writing and a quasi-stupid love story. Hell, the ‘big race’ turned into jack-booted cops intentionally crashing one car at a time. Don’t waste your time.
If you’re up for a racing movie, pick a ‘Fast and Furious’ flick or go straight to “Days of Thunder” for something spectacular.
A Million Ways to Die in the West
Seth McFarlane is one of the funniest guys on TV. Family Guy is epic and American Dad is hilarious, but he also misses from time to time with shows like The Cleveland Show. That’s ok, nobody can be that good all the time. With that being said, coming off the success of ‘Ted’, someone let Seth write and direct “Million Ways” and it lead to 2 hours of straight faced silence.
If the movie had any good parts, you saw it in the trailer. Every time you want to laugh, some character comes in to explain the joke, thus ruining it… Every actor/actress credited portrays some of the worst acting we’ve seen since Gigli… And no movie should feature that much sheep wang. Skip it.
If you want a funny western flick, pick up “The Three Amigos” or “Maverick”
There was so much buzz with this movie, and I bought into the reviews figuring it would be an epic, action packed film full of awesomesauce… I was wrong. Really, really wrong.
Basically, in post-apocalypse Chicago, the population reverts back to the high-school rules of cliques, but on a more relevant level. Some people are fighters, some people are farmers, some people are business minded, ect… And the premise is “everybody fits one particular clique”… until the main character fits a few different cliques…
Skip forward through a classic 80’s montage of self-building activities, and other people like her all find each other to break the system. Mix in an awkward (most likely illegal) love story, and it all falls apart exactly how the opening credits depicted it. You’ll never get that two hours back.
You want to see an awesome futuristic action thriller? Watch “Edge of Tomorrow” – easily the best movie of 2014
Earth to Echo
I saw the ‘Earth to Echo’ trailer before “Apes” this year, had a little time to blow, so I went ahead and bought a ticket for it. The advertising leads you to believe it’s a modern ‘E.T.’ flick, but that wasn’t the case.
Basically, it’s a two hour, real-time, kids scavenger hunt filmed on an iPhone. The story isn’t bad, but the shaky-video will probably lead you to vomit.
As you would expect, a couple of kids go around their town finding parts to an alien spaceship… Completely out-smarting scientists and cops the whole time, never to be caught. I wouldn’t wish this movie on the worst kids in the world.
You want a good kid flick, watch something with “Disney” stamped on the box… Sci-Fi junkies skip straight to the newest ‘Star Trek’
This is easily the worst movie I’ve ever seen. I’d honestly choose to watch 96 hours of Mariah Carey’s ‘Glitter’ back-to-back-to-back before sitting through Lucy again.
Basically, she is forced some illicit drug that allows her to use her whole brain. At some point she can control other people, electronics, and everything around her… I know it sounds kinda cool at this point, but never underestimate the power of fail…
Throughout the movie, there are cut-backs to Discovery Channel type Animal Kingdom type of shots to remind us that humans are animals and junk… The cop she takes hostage eventually becomes her helper pal… and the movie ends with “Lucy” turning herself into a computer USB drive with her complete brain on it.
I fought against seeing this movie due to the bad reviews… I just figured two hours of staring at Scarlett Johansson couldn’t be that terrible… I was wrong. ‘Lucy’ is easily the worst movie I’ve ever seen.
If you want to watch a different terrible movie, find ‘Two-Lane Blacktop’… You want to watch the movie ‘Lucy’ should have been, rent ‘Limitless’