So Tim Tebow kissed Demaryius Thomas smack on the lips after the Denver Broncos thrilling defeat of the Miami Dolphins Sunday. Of course, many in the media are having a field day with this non-event, happily pointing out Tebow’s role as a spokesman for Focus on the Family, a group that’s not exactly pro-man-on-man love. (And by “not exactly,” we mean “Set your lasers to smite.”)

Well we’re here to set the record straight, not that there’s anything wrong with that, because we don’t feel there is anything wrong. In fact, a heterosexual man kissing another heterosexual man full on the lips is a perfectly acceptable form of behavior in a myriad of circumstances, including, but not limited to:

  • When two hot women tell you to – You know, like in ‘American Pie 2.’ Side note — While Sean William Scott is certainly the more classically handsome of the two, we’d take Jason Biggs any day. He seems to care.
  • When you’re battling the scurvy and the ‘matey next to you shouts “land ho!” –  Nothing quite like the idea of an orange after 78 days lost at sea, eh? And besides, we all know those pirates were a little puffy in the pantaloons.
  • When your crusty, old-school, non-ironic Pabst Blue Ribbon drinking, Camel unfiltered-smoking father is about to take his last breath as death and disease takes him away from you –  Though we’d lay 3-to-1 you’d be leaving him with a final thought that goes something like, “I always wondered about him.”
  • At gunpoint –  Because if there’s anything street thugs enjoy more than seeing two straight men smooch it’s… well… we don’t know what it is.
  • When you were so drunk, and – “Seriously man, you would have thought he was a woman too. I mean, she had a great body. That’s all I was really looking at anyway, and when I found out the next morning she was a dude, I got right out of there. You know, after we showered and stuff.”
  • When you just beat the 0-5 Miami Dolphins –  And you’re so manly and straight you can kiss a dude without thinking, not even for a second, that the Internet would explode.

J.D. Stedel is a freelance writer based in New Jersey, and would kiss himself given the opportunity.