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Things You Didn’t Know About Mrs. Claus

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Since she’s so overshadowed by her famous husband, we thought we’d take a look at the woman behind Santa. Here are The Top Things You Didn’t Know About Mrs. Claus. 

She met Santa while working as a stripper at the Spearmint Reindeer.

She’s in charge of procuring the cocaine that keeps Rudolph’s nose red.

She’s not allowed to drive her husband’s sleigh because, duh . . . women can’t drive.

She’s always feeding Santa fatty foods so that he’ll someday keel over from diabetes and she can run off with an elf.

She’s the only adult that gets to enjoy what’s in Santa’s sack.

Her primary duties include cooking, cleaning, and other things that women are biologically predisposed to perform.

She’s been depressed since watching the new “Hobbit” movie and realizing the elves in the North Pole look NOTHING like Orlando Bloom.

Whenever Santa takes off his shirt at the beach, she totally burns him with hilarious zingers about why he insists on wearing that white sweater-vest.

She’s been suspicious ever since her husband casually mentioned jetting down to South Beach for a “boys’ weekend” with Frosty.

Santa first seduced her by telling her to sit on his lap and tell him what she wants.

Earlier this year, she beat an elf to death with a tire iron for walking into her house after forgetting to wipe the reindeer crap off his pointy shoe.

She still has nightmares about that one Christmas party, where she got caught under the Mistletoe with a plastered Heat Miser.

Some call her Santa’s OTHER beard.

She can’t understand how her husband works one day a year and yet STILL can’t find time to clean the gutters.

She frequently checks Santa’s browser history to see if he’s been adding girls to his naughty list.

She is almost always absent from any Santa Claus erotic fan fiction.

Every Monday night, dinner is Reindeer Helper.

She’s the world’s most famous make-believe woman not counting Manti Te’o's girlfriend.

She’s pitching, “The Real Housewives of the North Pole”.

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