(Guys always screw up on Valentine's Day. Smethanie tells you how to recover.)

It's Valentine's Day. Love is in the air. Well, Hallmark claims it is at least. Babies are on the loose, shooting unregistered weapons at unsuspecting strangers. If you play your cards right, you'll make it to the only part of the sappy holiday you actually enjoy — the happy ending after all the wining and dining. But, make one wrong move, Mister, and all the kisses beginning with K and overpriced dead botanical things are for waste.

You're not a woman, so good luck figuring out exactly what yours wants. The female mind is so complex, we can barely decipher our own thoughts. I mean, it takes us more than an appropriate amount of time to figure out what we want from a restaurant menu, and we're never happy with our decision. How the hell are we supposed to know what we want for Valentine's Day? We don't, but we expect you to. You won't, so here's five ways to recover from a Valentine's Day blunder and still take part in the plunder:




Shave Her Name in Your Back Hair


Nothing says “I love you” like a personalized gift. Show her you'll go that extra mile and that you aren't beyond suffering a little pain for her not by giving her the shirt off your back, but by customizing your back fur to proclaim your love. No matter how badly you mess up the day, what woman could turn down such a sweet, sexy gesture? Only a crazy one and you don't want one of those to begin with.


flickr user meddygarnet





I'm not talking, moist eyes and a slight sniffle — go into full-on weeping mode, complete with snot bubbles. It will show her your sensitive side and let her know that you feel comfortable opening up around her. Bonus: Tears make for great lube!

Note: This method is particularly effective on a first date.


Smethanie, who also answers to Stephanie and Crazy Girl, publishes nonsense on Twitter and recently accepted a grilled cheese sandwich as her lord and savior.