I Think Guy Fieri Might Be The Answer to World Peace — The Fairer Sex Files
There’s so much in the way of world peace that it can sometimes feel like we’ll never get there. As humans, we all have opinions and desires that clash with those of others, and our fierce defense of those things often leads to un-bridgeable gaps that divide us, creating conflict. I think I have found one thing we can all agree on, though: Guy Fieri is a hilarious douche.
Making fun of Guy Fieri isn’t exactly hard, dude is kind of an easy target. His bleach-blonde spiky hair and “dude-bro” persona make the host of ‘Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives’ pretty hard to take seriously. Then he went and opened a restaurant, and things got a lot funnier.
Shortly after his new restaurant, Guy’s American Kitchen & Bar opened in Times Square, New York Times food critic Pete Wells published a hilariously scathing review of the joint; it was so good that I almost wanted to go and experience the horror for myself, but it takes more than some good jokes to get me to dine in the anxiety-producing hell fire that is midtown Manhattan. The review is basically a list of questions for Fieri, which remain unanswered. Here are some of the best ones:
When you hung that sign by the entrance that says, WELCOME TO FLAVOR TOWN!, were you just messing with our heads?
Why did the toasted marshmallow taste like fish?
Why is one of the few things on your menu that can be eaten without fear or regret — a lunch-only sandwich of chopped soy-glazed pork with coleslaw and cucumbers — called a Roasted Pork Bahn Mi, when it resembles that item about as much as you resemble Emily Dickinson?
Hey, did you try that blue drink, the one that glows like nuclear waste? The watermelon margarita? Any idea why it tastes like some combination of radiator fluid and formaldehyde?
How did nachos, one of the hardest dishes in the American canon to mess up, turn out so deeply unlovable? Why augment tortilla chips with fried lasagna noodles that taste like nothing except oil? Why not bury those chips under a properly hot and filling layer of melted cheese and jalapeños instead of dribbling them with thin needles of pepperoni and cold gray clots of ground turkey? By the way, would you let our server know that when we asked for chai, he brought us a cup of hot water?
The review certainly got the restaurant a lot of attention, and thankfully the jokes didn’t stop there. Fieri’s marketing team goofed, and neglected to reserve the domain name of the restaurant, opting for the shorter GuysAmerican.com and leaving GuysAmericanKitchenAndBar.com up for grabs.
In the most palpable “Why Didn’t I Think of That” moment of 2013 thus far, some anonymous genius snatched up the domain and created a fake menu for the restaurant:
“If you can eat here, you’re a shark!” is so good that I almost think Fieri’s smartest move right now — considering the investment tanking underneath him — may be to embrace the joke. I mean, isn’t that what he’s done with the rest of his career? He’s still got that hair, after all.
There are a lot of people who think they are really funny on the internet, but are not very funny (myself included, most times) so I think it’s important to spotlight quality comedy on the internet. Here are some more people making fun of Guy Fieri really, really well. I salute their brains: