We’re Lost: Japanese Pecker Festival Wards Off STDs With Giant Schlongs?
Subscribe to KZCD-FM on
In general, it’s a good idea not to bend over anywhere in the vicinity of a rabid sex mob, but especially one that is wildly screaming the words “Kanamara, dekkai mara!” in the streets. We’ll explain.
Every year, thousands of locals and tourists gather at the Kanayama Shrine in Kanagawa in Japan to get down on their knees and give praise to some of the largest, erect wieners on earth to ever be displayed and manhandled.
Legend has it that this phallic festival originated during the Edo period (1603-1868), when women of the Kawasaki night would participate in lusty, “Earth Festivals” to help ward off any STDs that the samurais might bring home after spending some wild nights deep inside the bushido bush. The folklore behind the festival tells of a young maiden with savage case of vagina dentata (a vagina with teeth), who sexually severed the wieners of two men before busting out the grill of her vagina flytrap and masturbating with an iron dildo. As scary as that sounds, we would still like to see the video.
Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, though; before people can parade around town inexplicably hugging, kissing, riding, and posing for photographs with a bunch of giant schlongs (named “Elizabeth,” for some reason) the “Carving of the Radishes” must take place. This is a portion of the festival where people gather to carve out vegetable root dildos and pocket-sized vaginas. Then, and only then, are they free to become heavily intoxicated and molest a series of well-endowed woodies.
The Kanamara Festival is a good place to go to be appreciated for being a pecker head – even if just for a day. After all, a day of promiscuously playing with a bunch of strange penis statues is bound to get the ladies revved up to have a go at the fleshy variety before the night comes to an end. Then again, after having gargantuan members dangled in their faces all day they may be a little let down by anything they cannot wrap their arms around; we’re willing to try, all the same.