OK Poop Researchers Say Covid Numbers Much Higher Than Known

In what end up being the weirdest story of the summer, researchers at the University of Oklahoma that have been testing wastewater samples say the data suggests the Sooner States Covid-19 numbers might be much higher than the official running tally counts.

In what must be the crappiest job in Oklahoma at the moment, the numbers these researchers are seeing in the OKC metro area represent a simple truth... Poop doesn't lie. The shear levels of the Covid-19 disease now being found in random samples are comparable to what this state saw last Christmas when we really hit our peak during that whole terrible holiday season. Looking around public right now, we're headed for a worse holiday season for 2021.

If that's not enough, now, instead of being back to talking about things to do and places to see in Oklahoma, the entire media has hopped back on board with wall to wall coronavirus coverage. It's a huge bummer. Honestly, I wouldn't even be talking about it, but when it's something as gross and stupid as poop surveys, how can I skip it? But the plot thickens.

We learned earlier this year that China was submitting travelers to an anal swab type Covid-19 test due to its early detection success. Now it has found new relevance here in Oklahoma. Experts, and I mean actual experts unlike every Karen and Jared on Facebook, say that the Covid-19 virus first passes through our waste long before we start exhibiting symptoms and start to think about getting tested. It appears to be the only accurate way to test for this conclusively. I mean, the instant test is nice and the long-form three-day test isn't bad, but we've learned over this past year, they're not accurate. People who test negative end up sick, people who pop hot never experience a single symptom. Maybe this type of test will be the new status-quo in the coming months since the general public seems to have little to no interest in even admitting there is a virus.

Time will tell, and we'll most likely find out first hand after the coming mayoral election on September 14th. Until then, watch your six.