Dad — the man who brings home the bacon so you could buy the cleats you needed to look good while picking your nose and facing the wrong way during your unmemorable season playing right field in Little League.

He’s a hard worker and usually unappreciated, but sometimes the old man isn’t exactly his generation’s Cliff Huxtable. Here are some reasons your old man never seemed to pick up a nomination for father of the year:

1. When he bought you a Happy Meal, he wouldn’t let you open the toy because he was convinced it would ruin its value.

2. He made you both wear matching Members Only jackets until you were a senior in high school.

3. When you brought home your first girlfriend, he told her she’s a five, maybe a six.

4. During Little League games, all the other dads called their sons “Slugger.” He called you “Princess.”

5. He thought it’d be fun to teach you to shave without using any shaving cream.

6. His name is Michael Lohan.

7. You didn’t realize it wasn’t an allowance until he sent a collection agency to your room.

8. He taught you early on that life is full of disappointments when he made you become a Chicago Cubs fan.

9. After you took prom pictures at your house, he handed you a condom in front of your date and said, “Use this to avoid catching what she’s probably got.”

10. He tried to teach you to ride your bike on the expressway during rush hour.

11. He told you the right way to treat a woman is to ask her age and how much she weighs.

12. He said heat was expensive and encouraged you to stay warm by hanging out near the oven while Mom made dinner.

13. He instituted a family tradition known as ‘Wedgie of the Day.’

14. He let you play with a lighter to keep you occupied while he waited for his dial-up to connect so he could look at “artistic” photos online.

15. He wouldn’t drive you to your friend’s house unless you agreed to wash his toupee by hand.

Drew Weisholtz is a funny guy. Unless you didn’t like this, in which case he’s simply using a pseudonym. He’s written for ABC and other online outlets and does standup comedy in front of actual people. You can follow him on Twitter @undrstoodgenius.

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