This is one of those moments in life where you wish something was real. Not so much the fictitious movie you're about to see, but a creepy dude that breaks up relationships. Admit it, you've probably got at least one scorned lover in the past you wish you had never taken things to the next level with... He's like Crampus, only for couples feeling human chemistry.

I will say, the lengths this group of friends goes to in the process of announcing an engagement is pretty awesome and wholesome. Makes me think I need more friends, but then I remember how much I enjoy not spending time with people. That doesn't make me an a-hole or a loser, it makes me a Swanson... which I guess makes me an a-hole, and I'm good with that.

Speaking of Swansons, when was the last time you killed your own meal? Bet it's been longer than you'd care to admit. I get it, me too. It's been weeks, but I'm still eating on the lean protein harvested in the catch. Spoiler alert, crappie is delicious.

Wait what?

You heard me. I prefer crappie. If not those little slabs of meat, maybe saugeye. I know I always talk about fishing for bass, but only big-forehead neanderthals eat sport fish. Tasty as they may be, they can't produce more sport fish if you eat em. Besides all that, who eats fish from the waters surrounding Fort Sill? They put up signs warning you about it. All those munitions, I'll pass.

Anyway, moral of the story, if you must get married, be cool about it.

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